infinite

will I ever post all of the different posts sitting in my drafts box?

I need to be reminded over and over again how wretched, broken, weak, faithless, fallen, and depraved I really am. It’s in these blessed moments that I am able to see these clear qualities in me. How humbling it is to know that there is absolutely nothing good in me.. but that I am also so safe in the arms of grace. Things inside of me seem sometimes irredeemable and yet His love redeems.

Christ before me.

Christ behind me.

Christ above me.

Christ beneath me.

Christ around me.

Christ within me.

Christ everywhere.

I need you Jesus so utterly and desperately. I pray that I would always live in total dependence on you.. on your Spirit within me.

Look back on your life.. how much of it was a reaction to the circumstances around you and how much of it was determined by the actions that you, yourself, have taken?

“Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action. Grace, you know, does not just have to do with forgiveness of sins alone.” 

Don’t just react. Act.

I felt like writing again and I know that staying up this late tonight is going to disorient me tomorrow, but I’ve been right on track to a messed-up sleep schedule since staying up to write papers/study yesterday so I thought, “what the heck?” and “I’ll just catch myself up on some sleep this next weekend.”

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote in my tumblr, and I think it was a good enough break for me to feel ready and wanting to come back.  It’s funny how distance really does make the heart grow fonder. (oh the human heart and its strange workings…)

Nonetheless, there are some thoughts and prayers that are on my heart right now that I actually really want to share.. they are the ones that come to surface at 4AM when it feels like it’s only me and God awake, conversing, interacting…

So, I rarely spend more than 30 minutes on Facebook in one sitting only because Facebook is honestly too overwhelming for me to handle sometimes.. I never do more than respond to comments or upload pictures here and there, only because I know once I really get on Facebook, I’ll end up visiting friends’ pages and then inevitably see how much they have changed, how much time has passed, and how much I also have changed. Take for example, my best guy friend, Daniel.. just this past month he messaged a bunch of his close friends and family sharing the news that he was engaged..!! I do trust completely in God’s sovereignty in his decision, but it still boggles my mind that he is where he is at now, and that so quickly time has passed by us. We are no longer the same old naive, young high school students we once were. We both now know that the true Christian life is not just easy and simple; we know that we can no longer be at the closeness that we used to be; we know life always comes with struggles because God is not a God who chooses to leave those He loves the same.. We know so much more and now we can never really go back nor do we want to go back to that sentiment of blissful ignorance. a truth that comes with mixed feelings for me.. but it’s in those feelings that I pray,

God, I know that every single relationship and friendship, whether completely visible or not, was something that you blessed me with. Each of them was a gift from You.. gifts that allowed me to understand You better and in turn also myself. I pray for the people who You’ve graced me with… I pray that each and every single one of them would come to know the truest joy in you. I pray that You would guard each of their hearts and that You would continue to reveal Yourself to them. I pray for Your sovereignty over all of my friendships and I submit them to You. Whether they look the way I would like or wish, whether they are far or close, over each of them I pray that You would truly be sovereign and good. Thank you, God. 

Another thought that crossed my mind was how in this very moment I really can’t trust my feelings or my heart. Someone shared with me a quote that Dallas Willard wrote that is something along the lines of this: “We can’t always expect God to speak divinely or audibly to us about His will for us, BUT the more we are becoming like Jesus, the more we can trust our own feelings to be aligned with God’s will for us.” In the midst of still figuring out what my future holds, from career to relationships, I realize that I am definitely not in a place right now where I can just trust my feelings. I have yet to really continue to submit myself to God and to love, trust, and walk like Jesus did.

My prayer therefore now is not that God would simply show me what His plans for my life and my future are, but for Him to make me more and more like His Son, Jesus. I pray that my heart would be sooo close to Jesus’ that I can trust the feelings in my own heart to be glorifying to God and aligned with His will and desires for me.

As I’m writing these thoughts down, I realize even more lucidly that no longer am I willing or even able to take Christianity and faith for something that is easy and simple.. now I realize that it is something that is deep, complex, and equally rich. Not that I am in pursuit of spiritual or biblical knowledge for just that sake, but I do believe now that this is where God desires to take me and take those who truly are willing to go there. He doesn’t want me to sit on things I already know and understand but wants to continue to reveal Himself to me in ways that are mysterious, strange, and require wrestling and struggle. MIND AND HEART. Coming together, finally.

I never really do this because I believe that for the most part I should keep my weirdness to myself… but here are my boggle-boggles………

1) These days I’ve realized that I have a lot of baby hair and I very much dislike them.. is there a way to grow out my baby hair so that it doesn’t stick up weirdly when I don’t want it to?

2) I’m really, really excited for spring quarter already.. the wonderful weather that makes me want to do nothing but walk around the lake all day listening to good music and exchanging smiles with other equally carefree people, the beautiful flowers that bloom everywhere (or that NU spends millions of dollars to plant), the fun memories that are exclusive to spring quarter, the bittersweet farewells and being able to experience true gratefulness for the friendships, the looming summer vacation, the feeling that things are as they should be. I’m so excited for it!

3) I bought sleep masks for my roomie and me that have aromatic smells (!!!) to it and they only cost me like $7 or something for 2 of them! SO proud of my buy. I haven’t really needed to use mine just yet but I’m hoping sometime soon Julie sleeps waaaay late and I sleep reeeeally early so that I can.

4) I make a looot of weird noises when I do things (I think it’s influence of Hannuh Kwon….). whooshes, boings, boopboops, doodooroodoodoo.. these noises illicit a lot of weird stares and random laughs. I should try to refrain, really.

5) I also find myself muttering/talking to myself veeery often.. you know, just about anything from encouraging “you can do it (in the water boy accent)”s to rebuking “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Why did you just do/say that?!”

6) I’ve been so filled with thankfulness these days. I’m so thankful that I can BE thankful! All my sighs are sighs of happiness…  

7) Speaking of sighs of happiness…. one of my greatest desires in life is to be able to lie on my deathbed (and even if I die a painful death, which I’ve always imagined myself dying in a painful way and dying pretty young for some reason…) and look back on my life, whether it be short or long, and sigh a HUGE sigh of happiness and say, “that was a good life.” I think I almost look forward to dying just as much as I look forward to living. Death has no hold on me.. DAaaNG.

8) I watched the SADDEST korean movie recently. It’s in second place, after Passion of the Christ, in making me cry the most during a movie. I seriously went through a whole box of tissues and it made my heart melt/cry. I even made my friends watch it again with me and we were all sobbing at one point together. HAHA.. If you ever want to watch it, I promise it’s not like the typical sappy love story between a guy and a girl but it’s about a verrry beautiful mother-daughter relationship. (with english subs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-3wJjmX-hY OR without english subs/better quality: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKBC9MSJo78)

9) I really want to get married and enjoy motherhood, hopefully in the next couple of years…. After watching the movie in #7 and babysitting weekly this quarter, I’m really really looking forward to kids (especially a daughter). OOH and I especially can’t wait to meet Jaden Lee in this moment (pastor’s son)!!!!!! EEK less than 2 weeks!

10) I reached 10!!! YAY!  

BUT I do have a question for my fellow tumblr friends.. does this sharing of boggles seem unnecessary to you? If it does, I can contain myself too. (God’s been teaching me how to exercise self-control these days! :) Shoot me some feedback, porfavor!

I am second. I am not great. I am not worthy. I am not lovable. I deserve nothing from no one. My works are not my own. I am selfish. I am not good. I don’t deserve any glory, any gratitude, any praise. It’s not me. It’s all Him. He deserves it all. I owe everything I am to Him. I owe Him all of my praise and worship. I owe Him all of me. He has made me new. He has done good  work in me. He has been so faithful. He must become greater, I must become less. Him first, always. 

“A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegrooms’ voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater, I must become less.”

I know that all I desire to do is to attend to the bridegroom. I know that is my one and only true joy.

God, my prayer is this: I pray that you would always be glorified in my life. I pray that the only thing I would live for is to make YOUR name higher. I know this will require that I lift others up before myself. I know that I need to completely take myself out of the equation. God, I pray that you would grant me the humility to let go of myself completely. I pray that my heart would be so emptied of myself so that even my prayers would be filled only with the crying out for others. I pray that you would help me to be a person that allows others to shine. I pray that as a leader, I would never lead, but I would always serve. Help me to be a servant. Help me to be a servant. God, grant me humility like that of Your Son. You must become greater. I must become less. God, I say it again with all of my heart, my life is yours. Take all of it — as you will, how you will it.

God’s got plans to prosper you and not to harm you. and He’s going to be there with you every step of the way. He’s never going to leave your side nor forsake you. Let yourself go. Let everything you know, everything you are go. Put it down because it’s not for you to carry yourself. Only when you let go, will everything else be given unto you. Only then, will you learn how to love wholly. Love God and love each and every single one of His people, His image-bearers.

you :) yes I’m speaking to you.

Life is all about making choices. We spend countless hours, all the while testing our emotional and mental capacities, in order to try so hard to discern what the “good choice” is and what the “bad choice” is, fearing that we might possibly make the “bad choice”. BUT I have come to learn that out of our response to fear, we too soon find ourselves making ”no choice” and we pass up those crucial opportunities that were essentially supposed to grow us.

———

I went to the Intervarsity Staff Conference 2011 in St. Louis last, last weekend in order to explore, learn, and experience what it would be like to go on staff and dive into full-time college ministry. Even upon arrival, I was apprehensive and uncertain of what it would look like for me to head into that direction. As the weekend progressed, many emotions, fears, worries, and questions surfaced; yet God continued to give me chances to be honest with myself, work through, and discern with what His truth was. I so graciously had the opportunity to spend time with some female Korean staffworkers to hear their stories and the struggles they faced on journey to becoming a staffworker. One of them shared with me a vision that her pastor had when praying over her before she decided to go on staff: She was at a baseball field, at home base, with a bat in her hand. She was receiving pitches, all perfect for hitting, yet her bat remained still in her hand. She was equipped and ready to hit, but she simply wasn’t swinging her bat. I realized that in so many ways I resonate with her story. I feel nervous, almost fearful, of what the future holds and the fact that soon (in less than a year!!) I’m going to be making some weighty decisions in my life. I fear that somehow I’m going to make the “wrong” decision and pave the wrong path for myself.

BUT, let me tell you where I am now: God’s been showing me and teaching me that ultimately fear is what is going to keep me from making the good decision and that any decision is good if it belongs to God. Ultimately I’m not called to pave the road for myself but God is going to pave the road for me. He’s got in store for me something bigger than myself. 

I still don’t know if I’m called to enter into college ministry or any ministry at all right after graduating. I still don’t know whether or not I’m called to enter the workforce and be a light in areas of sheer darkness. I still don’t know if I should go abroad to be missional in other countries. I still don’t know yet..

BUT I am so certain that in due time, I’ll be exactly where God calls me to be. I’m not going to let fear keep me from making the necessary decision. I know, whether difficult or easy, I’m going to respond to God’s call for my life and I am going to swing my bat so hard that I hit a grand slam (how cheesy is that…)! Ultimately, God’s doing His good work in me and I’m growing, being pruned of things that are not of Him, and finding my confidence and joy in Him. 

Would you guys continue to keep me in your prayers? :)